behind the mask

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

heyy everyone.. or whoever who do read this.. yeah been having an ok week so far.. managed to get my tv working on my laptop! its so cool.. haha so my laptop has multifunctions at the mo.
but british tv sucks.. i miss my cable tv at home... but i really shouldnt be complaining la..

anyway went to the gp yesterday for our clinical skills training.. learnt about examining the respiratory system yest and will be doing it on real patients next week. Ive got my osce exams at the end of this year where we're supposed to have several stations where they test your clinical skills. quite scary if you ask me...but should be more fun la, more relevant to what im gonna be doing in the future anyway...

ben's much better now.. though he's still in a lil bit of pain and still has to sleep semiupright.. so nice to hear him chirpy at theend of the line instead of the rather stressed voice i often hear.. =@) cheered me up quite a bit the last few days.. so im feeling alot better..

oo managed to book my london tic for 35 pounds! which is pretty good cos its normally alot more.. so will be going down to london during my semester break at the end of oct.. will be staying with hailey WHEN she finds a flat.. haha.. CANT WAIT to see sabina, em , hails and others in london again! havenet seen them since wycombe days.. which was yonks ago really..

anyway work is pilin up becos i am really not liking neuroscience. so abstract and waffly and so complex..bleagh. but ill prob have to trudge through it over the weekend.. mmm

anyway tt's tt for now .. hope to hear from my girlies who have just come the UK .. SOON.=@)

babs ♥ 5:21 pm link to post 0 comments

Sunday, September 25, 2005

at the medics academic families night.. where the year 2 (us) are parents to our children.. year 1s. haha.. so in my family there were 2 fathers, 3 wives ( me, mary and angela)- the holy trinity. haha. and we had 8 children ( cos we signed up 2x) haha.. from left: clement, phongteck, mary, me, matthew

babs ♥ 3:15 pm link to post 0 comments

the couple. theirs was an arranged marriage... rare huh?

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me and my very good friend mary at her taekwondo instructors wedding ..

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me and james the day i left.. he was feeling rather sad.. =@(

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me and chuiling in singapore! at scotts picnic after our lunch.. always great catching up with you babe!

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Friday, September 23, 2005

so.. its been a week now since I said my goodbyes and landed back edinburgh. as predicted, the goodbyes were.. sad. been doing lotsa stuff to get settled in like buying a washing machine, microwave, setting up the internet, etc.. oh and getting a new desk as my desk in my room was literally a piece of driftwood..

ben went for his shoulder op yesterday.. oh how i wished i could have been there with and for him.. i slept incredibly badly tht night, waking up every hour worrying constantly.. it didnt make sense though, i knew he'd be fine, especially since he was in the hands of a top notch surgeon. But, i figured i hated the fact that my baby was going to be put under GA for the first time, with funny instruments going into him, and i kept envisioning him on the operating table, and I just didnt like it.

he did call me after his op but i didnt get the find out much cos his friend had just come to visit.. but didnt hear from him after. Only found out in the early hours of this morning that he was in much pain and having a fever. Tears came to my eyes.

I miss him so so much and I wish I could do something to make him feel better.. but I guess i have to just leave him alone to rest.. which is so hard to do as I so wanna hear his voice so bad.. =@(

pictures will come later i promise.. i just feel too much of a mess to upload my photos now.

babs ♥ 7:47 am link to post 0 comments

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

im wallowing in self pity.. isnt that so terrible? if it were someone else, i would be telling them to just get over it and move on. heh. great advice. i wish i had the confidence of lee chuiling, the multifaceted-ness and independence of foo xunyu, the thickskiness of my mum, the observanceness of my brother.. the list goes on. i feel like fluff. so what if im studying medicine, doesnt really mean anything now does it. ive just got a good memory.i like thinking about my future wedding day, being people's relationship guru, reading everyones blogs as a daily affair without fail, reading trashy magazines, watching tv - in summary, fluffy things. im always many steps behind ben in terms of knowledge. but i read the papers, time magazine blablabla. i still " dont know anything" the daily words uttered by my mum. here i am crying like a baby on my bed, feeling like the stupidest person on earth.

then pple wil start saying, " but why do you have low self esteem?" " youre good looking, have the perfect boyfriend, loving parents, money to be sent overseas, loyal friends" so i know have to justify my low selfesteemness. justiify justify justify. thats what my whole life is about. becos why? cos my skin is so thin the touch of silk draws blood. whywhywhy? whats the point of having everything when youre so bloody sensitive.

is it so wrong to have someone tel you everything will be ok, instead of using a barbed wire to pick out the dirt from fresh meat withtons of nerve endings. ( my analagies are pathetic, but u get the idea) isnt that the role of parents? but no, i dont heed parents advice , thats why i need an extra wire. its all for my own good. sigh. i know i know.. ok this rant will stop. im stopped crying like a baby. now i just wait for my balloon eyes to deflate.

babs ♥ 3:42 pm link to post 0 comments

i feel like ihave this chain to my foot, with a diamond at the end of it. the diamond sparkles so much i keep looking at it, but actually beyong the diamond there are lotsa good things. i glance at them occasionally. but the diamond satisfies me. it gives me so much happiness, but apparently i should get joy from other sources. sigh.

youre right, i know youre right. but i feel like im sinking deeper and deeper into it.

babs ♥ 3:31 pm link to post 0 comments

so down and out.. sitting on my bed, red eyed with my once beautiful hair in a kinda shambled mess. it always boils down to me, i don tknow how to pick myself up, i have such low self esteem now tt it hurts to think about it. loved ones are always good at being blunt with you and shaking you outta your lil coccoon, no doubt all true, but i dont know how to drag myself out of it. am i real? i have no substance.

babs ♥ 3:22 pm link to post 0 comments

Monday, September 12, 2005

feeling a lil low now.. heh monday blues? not really..got that missing feeling.. well ive got america's next top model to accompany me at 1030 so not so bad.. mm i hate the leaving bit. =@(

babs ♥ 1:23 pm link to post 0 comments

Friday, September 09, 2005

been having a great lazy weekend so far filled with lots of food. It started on thursday night when I had a great meal at west lake with my food partner-in-crime- Mr ben koh. Had wonderful kongbak pau - where the fat on the pork can literally cut-and-paste, ngoh hiang, tofu, fried chicken and a yummilicious yam basket. The lady taking our orders had a look of bewilderment as we rattled off our food orders, and surprise surprise we managed to finish almost everything! haha.. im so fat.

Friday morning started with mee pok at tiong bahru followed by a grocery shopping session at 6th avenue for our " romantic" hot plate dinner on my balcony that night! hahaa.. the amount of oil, fat and salt that i ate last night was rather disgusting but oh so good ! Im convinced I have an ultra salty palate and will suffer some form of heart disease in the future.. ugh.

the food we ate:
1) lovely fatty fatty beef- almost as good as wagyu, cept fraction of the cost\
2) boneless chicken thigh marinated in tons of garlic, salt and italian herbs
3) fresh prawns
4) scallops
5) salmon marinated in dark soy and bit of sugar
6) asparagus
7) straw mushrooms
8) tofu

It was a lovely evening. After our rather unhealthy meal on the balcony, had a lil sing-along jay chou session on the piano followed by a few games of guess who? with my brother to soothe the boiling jealousy.

going to watch cirque du soleil tomorrow! its going to be soo good.. managed to catch to first 2 when it came to singapore and they were incredible.. anyway I think its time for me to settle down and start packing..
time is flying by.. boohoo. but oh welll.. i feel a peace in my heart. Thank God.

babs ♥ 9:45 pm link to post 0 comments

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I had the car to myself today. After a rather painless trip JB with my parents which began at 615am to change my malaysian IC to some fancy modern one, I had the pleasure of driving my daddy to work - Gleneagles hospital, #07-15. website:http://www.sinus.sg/ (there you go, free advertising for daddy!). A first. =@) So I took a nice drive along orchard(stopping at zara, my fav brand!) then to holland v where I could not get any parking so I happily drove along, and got myself pleasantly lost as I went to queensway. haha it was quite nice orientating myself around lil ol sunny singapore as I never really get a chance to as I normally am preoccupied with other thoughts when anyone else is driving. haha.

mm and the evening was another first. Had my first nine holes with my dad! - pictures coming up. He was just teaching me lil techniques regarding my swing turn..blabla. the works. I had a few pretty good shots today, and I think my dad was really proud to see me playing really, its always been his dream to see both his children play golf and with him. It was such a pleasant evening though, really cool with thebreeze blowing and the sun setting. =@)

so.. I'm leaving in almost a weeks time. I feel strangely calm about it, without the normally slightly raised anxiety about the emotional rollarcoaster I would be going through the day I leave. It all very heart wrenching, and moment I have to say goodbye at the departure gates to my parents and ben, and the awful awful choked sensation I get. It is all ends in tears as I walk in. Oh its so horrible..mm..

But I must say I've had an incredible summer. Picked up 2 new skills, golf and salsa dancing with ben. Both great couple activities.. =@) Its really bonding. *smile*managed to catch up with old friends, blast from the past friends, friends whoom ive had misunderstandings with, but have reconnected with( you know who you are =@)). I had a great experience at Corduroy and Finch, earned some pocket money along to way to fund my sinful indulging habit of retail therapy. hehe.. Had wonderful eating times with ben, going from place to place to find the best char kway teow, but we both agree that Ghim Moh char kway teow is the best! The late night drive outs to meet him at 7th mile to eat a late dinner, or going to sicc for a "free" dinner! hehee.. we are bad people. There were many amazing moments and the list goes on.. but all in all my summer break has been .. perfect.

I really thank God for so many blessings in my life, I was telling my dad in JB this morning as we had a prata breakfast, that my life is going too well for me at the moment, its almost scary. I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Like one day, something's going to happen which will turn my life around. mm.. scary stuff. but really, life isnt perfect. I'm trying appreciate every sight I see, and every sound I hear, and every step I take. Sounds like a cliche song or poem, but it is true. One of these days, either age or disease will take away that simple privelege of hearing, seeing and walking. Such fundamental basic functions of the human body, yet oh so important to our daily lives.

On a lighter note! I bought Her World wedding magazine today! it's a thick issue! haha.. i love looking and reading wedding magazines and daydream about my own D day. hehee.. so babz. I know. Dont worry all my bridesmaid wannabes out there.. I wont forget you! =@)

babs ♥ 4:10 pm link to post 0 comments

Monday, September 05, 2005
Foreign Jade

I have f i n a l l y joined the blogging world. All of you who will be eventually reading my blog, please bug me if I suddenly stop writing. This is my new resolution of the year.. and the next.

Foreign Jade? Well its not some random blog address like many of the addresses you see out there. It is actually a fusion of the meanings of both my english name and chinese name. Barbara means " foreign" and my lin in my manderin name means jade, so I thought it would be significant to have a blog addy which meant something. haha so there you go.. foreign jade it is.

I've been slowly figuring out the world of html these past 3 days. Its really not too bad once you know what all the funny symbols mean, but I've only got as far as changing the colour and size of font. Maybe shifting it here and there, but its quite pathetic really. mm..

Its 1120pm now, and I'm sitting with my mum in the alcove watching csi. Its one of the moments I do enjoy with my mum, we're both tv addicts, much to my dad's distain. My mum complains that everytime I come home, she ends up staying up late watching tv with me. Well, oops. haha. anyway, less than 2 weeks till I go back, mixed feelings. Excited..yet kinda sad. But then again, I am spoilt by my parents, flying me back so often. Its only another 3.5 months, nothing really. It really is all a matter of perspective. mm another big topic to talk about, so I shall leave that for another time. Its time to put my first post up now. =@)

babs ♥ 6:22 am link to post 0 comments

so.. second day of successfull posting. Been having a lazy morning at home, woke up late, as usual. But I must say I had a rather strange and disturbing dream last night. It had something to do with me having just accidently(?) killed someone and I knew I would have to be tried in court with the eventual singapore verdict. eeks. I was with ben and feeling like the whole world had collapsed on me. Scary yeah? I was so thankful to wake up..man.

Anyway on a lighter note, had quite a nice pleasant weekend. Went to Comex at suntec with ben. Got there kinda early so we were trooping around trying to find a place to eat, for some strange reason we ended up at burger king, I guess I had a craving for fastfood? For those who dont know, we're are absolutely spoilt brats when it comes to eating out at anywhere other than hawker centres( which we do frequent v often). So it was a lil minor downgrade. haha..

Comex was huge, massive. A boy's fantasy world I say. haha.Ben's eyes were lighting up by the minute, he bought a 3 in 1 printer, creative muvu, and ipod speakers. Its so nice to see him get excited and happy bought anything really, considering his ultra shitty life in the army.(BOO...) I just wandered through the crowds with him, looking at all the immense technology around us.
I am going to state the obvious but it is really quite amazing.. mm.. I've yet to become a techy though.

Sunday was relaxing.. after church, had lunch at the tanglin club, which really is quite a standard Sunday affair. I felt like a deer cum vegan during lunch though cause I was having a salad which came with fruits and nuts, ohsoveryhealthy. haha..But I "made up" for it at night when we trudged out to hot stones at boat quat and I had a 250g sirloin steak sizzling on this hot black stone with potato salad on the side. yumyum. Though I kept getting hot specks of oil spurting out at me, so it was all a bit fiddly. I also somehow had the assumption that the stone would remain hot for a long while, so I was taking my time, cutting the steak and placing a small piece on the stone to cook, but nono, that was reallly not the way I soon realised. haha.. anyway I told ben later that I didnt really see him eat his chicken and prawns, and it was probably cause I was really preoccupied with my lil steak. haha.. we ended having dessert at gelare at PS as Baker's Inn had mysteriously moved to raffles city much to my disappointment. But waffles, icecream and bananas rarely fail to satiate my sweet cravings. Although I am getting rather sick of icecream... surprise! Ive had way tooo much this holiday, and it IS beginning to show... grrrrr.

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